Came another mental breakdown as expected.
Derek's words saved me again.
"Everything is my fault." - Hell Yeah or No (2020)
I also had this thinking few days ago but I wasn't as articulate as him.
Responsibility brings power.
You feel helpless when you blame others.
You feel powerful when you blame yourself.
Try it.
It doesn't matter the truth. Only matters how you feel.
Your mind can make anything sound reasonable. Make a wise choice. Think in a way that empowers you.
Sometimes finding an explanation to convince yourself is hard. But it's always possible. Here are my 3 unhealthy deep-rooted beliefs and how I tried to fix them:
1. I was born in a wrong place.
I could have done something bad in my previous lives and this is my karma.
Or as I've chosen an authentic simple life, I can't adapt with a materialistic society driven by greed and hypocrisy. My fault. The choice was mine. The choice is still mine. What I choose comes at a price. The price is feeling suffocated until I can move away. Nobody forces me to choose this path. I chose it. I chose this discomfort.
2. Public services take centuries to process even the simplest request.
I'm in a limbo. I'm waiting for decision from Migri about my residence permit application. I'm also waiting for the authorities in my country to update my information in their new database so I can make another ID card before my current one expires in 2 months. I had to visit their office 3 times already, I had to wait in line (in a chaotic sea of people actually) on foot for 3 hours just to find out my info wasn't updated and I have to wait until when only God knows.
Waiting drove me mad. I felt powerless.
A week felt like a month. Three hours felt like a lengthy day. But hey, it's only 1 week and 3 hours. Sometimes feelings fool us. Get a reality check.
Is it my fault that things are so slow? Yes... hmmm (not easy at all to back up this answer but my creative mind came up with something)
I could have chosen to work in IT, even not in the technical department, but in marketing or sales to promote systems that speed up the process. I can do something!
That sounds awesome. A job in data management and processing field is now on my hunting list.
3. Children with intellectual disability make their family miserable.
In the crowd waiting with me to make ID card yesterday were this grandpa and his disabled grandson. His number was near the end like mine so he also had to stand in 3 hours. His grandson was a grownup already, fat and tall, but his face naive like a toddler.
Where're his parents? Couples usually separate when their kid is not normal, but it's only my guess... The old grandpa struggled to speak each word when the officer rejected his request, telling him to go to another department and return here later.
I cried thinking of them. Old people carrying a burden need help! Do you know that living with a mentally ill person also take a toll on one's mental health? I know because I also have an autistic brother. I could see how autism not only ruined him but also my parents and me.
Okay, enough. No more putting power on autism. Put it on me. It's my fault that I didn't equip myself with knowledge about mental disorders to understand and empathize with these kids.
I have no desire to change the world anymore. I only want to change the way I think. To save myself from suffering.
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